Don't worry, it's love

It's my first collaboration with a friend of mine named Rohan Suresh.  The first half holds my thoughts while the second is his is reflection. I hope you all like it. All your suggestions are welcome.

It is heavenly yet devilish. It's vulnerable still remains unbreakable. It might be self-demolishing yet self-satisfying. It can be confined yet sets you free. Its letting go of yet holding on to. It's momentous but forever. Out of sight but it isn’t out of mind.

                   The feeling when you smile fatuously with absolutely no reason. The chilly breath which you take on a cold wintry morning. Those steps when taken increase your heartbeat abnormally and you start freaking out. It's when you are aware that your falling but still can't hold back onto, that excitement of something good which stokes up with each passing day. It's that rose which you need in spite of its thorns which poke you several times. It's the fresh water you drink every day without which survival is impossible. It's the first thing to cross your mind even when on an extremely busy schedule. It's the craving you have for your favorite chocolate. It’s the warmth you feel when you hug your closest friend after years. It’s okay. It's love.

Yes, love it is. True, won’t argue. But let not the beautiful imagery cloak the darker truth.

The gushes of wind fail to overpower the storm that brews within you. The leaves that rustled with zephyrs now float in vacuum. The rose petals you so long held onto despite the thorns now drip drops of blood and trust. The elixir that once quenched your thirst now poisons your bloodstream with hatred and betrayal. Clouds that once blessed you with sun rays now shower rain that drenches you with obliviousness. The same mind that once dreamt of peaceful future now gives birth to anarchy. The cravings you so long had now turn to desire for death. The only warmth you now feel is that of the fire that you have ignited for redemption. The only company you want is that of the man with the scythe. It’s okay. It’s the unrequited love. But, yeah, it’s love.

Broken

'Its over', she said and walked away furiously. While the boy stood dumbstruck the girl didn't look back as she hid the hot tears that welled up in her eyes.
      She skipped dinner and medicines for she was too engrossed in his thoughts. It had been 3 years since their relationship had begun, like any cliche high school love story. Eyes glowed, smiles exchanged and their hearts skipped a beat. While their friends couldn't stop teasing them, their puppy love grew wings. 
        Many chocolates were exchanged and the girl's drawer still had the chocolate wrappers carefully folded and kept away safely. The mails exchanged once upon a time made the girls inbox full. As years passed they grew and the relationship became a major part of their life. Nights spent chatting, making love notes for each other. Days spent video calling, thinking of creative ideas for each of their birthdays. Bike rides was her favourite part, as she could lean on to him, hold him tight as she cherished every moment.
                When the girl had been unwell, the boy had sneaked into the hospital, just to see her for once. The girl had bunked several tutions just to meet him. They had crossed hurdles,went against their family and school and yet kept their relationship intact .
                      They talked of the massive event that was about to enter their lives. High school was to end and they were to enter Higher Secondary. As their school uniforms were made different, their relationship started taking a new turn.
             Months later the girl broke up. She was busted, when she heard that they guy had been cheating on her with her new made friend. She had to walk away. Now each night she wet her pillow and each day she grew more and more lonely..
                           For the world she became stone hearted and yet inside her heart had been shattered into tiny little pieces where each piece bore his name. She attended parties with her swollen red eyes carefully covering them up with Kohl, and her lips held a plastic smile. It felt as if she stood still while the whole wide world revolved.
                     Few weeks later, her ears came upon the news that the guy had crashed into another girl. Yet her social networking site search box, held his name on the top. Her wardrobe reminded her of the dress she had worn on their first anniversary. Her teacher's pathetic handwriting reminded her of his writing. It was not him but the memories they had made that haunted her. She realised that as the years had preceded his loyalty had depreciated. 
                         Its funny that realisation takes a jiffy while the acceptance of the fact takes years. Today she holds head high, not in search of any prince charming, but in search of her own self, whom she had long left some years back. Realisation had taken its toll and acceptance was slowly dooming on her. Even though people judged her. She knew what she wanted as she had to live her life not others. The things we do in adolescence are not meant to be continued when we realise them as mistakes. Her eyes glowed, but this time with the want of a new start a fresh start, as she  stepped onto back in her life.
   

We don't talk anymore...

Each and everyday without you my friend becomes unbearable.... I don't know where to start from... You might think am too puerile,  but only if you knew how much I miss you every single day. I am still taken aback by the fact that we're not best of friends anymore, like how could such a fucking thing happen??
             Do you recall the days we had spent planning each other's wedding, the groovy plans we had made.... Talking about each detail from the wedding dress to destination to photography... And yes I had promised you to be your personal photographer. Doesn't anything remind you of me ? Did you completely forget our plan of buying sarees together for our farewell day??  Am I the only one who misses you...
    We have had our differences before too but we acted mature enough to keep them aside, and I don't know what broke our friendship this time. Maybe it's because of our communication and your friendly feelings have faded away for me or it  might be that both of us were too busy in our present lives that we didn't even feel the need to peep and ask about each other's day. Yes, I know you have a great number of friends who value you a lot and your everyone's favourite and perhaps you don't even know if I exist or not. My heart tears apart on the  mere thought that this letter might not ever reach you. I don't have the guts to speak all of this to you, as you have always known, I was never too fluent in expressing my feelings to anyone.
        People might tell me loads of not-so-good things  about you never accepting me as your best friend, and that you don't deserve my  friendship, but my heart simply doesn't accept this.  I have always accepted you as my family member, a part of me and how could one ever start hating a part of oneself so easily. You might dislike me, hate me and be it so.. But I can only dislike you to a certain limit, or perhaps only be angry on you. Let me tell you that I can never hate you dear ex-best friend. Never ever...
    It's pretty strange that we still see each other every single day but unlike other times we don't stop to share our feelings, but simply ignore each other or end up with a formal talk.
              We had promised on bring friends forever. Our fb walls speak loud of our never-to-die friendship.  You still have your profile picture with me captioned as "Besties?... Naah, were more like sisters..." My cover still has you in the focus. My phone gallery containes pictures of us in every weird expression one could ever think of.. Each of our houses are filled with best friend wishes.... But only, the feelings are missing...
Dear ex-best friend I might never be able to tell you this, but I miss you.. A lot, every single time, every single day, every single moment. If only we could turn back time to what it was before... If only....

Yes, she was choked, choked yet again. She was struggling hard to strike a balance between the real her and fake her. She felt helpless, as she could do nothing to improve her condition. She was frustrated with her life and she didn't know how to handle herself anymore.She was broken... Enough had she fought with herself and now she wanted to give up. For the world she was a happy- go -lucky girl,who lived a comfortable life... And never tasted difficulties in her life.  Whereas, the bitter reality was that she fought every single day, cried almost every single night, and now she couldn't take it anymore.
                 She felt lonely for she knew no one could help her make feel better. She was tired of suppressing her emotions, within her.. Often, did she looked down the lane of her past sixteen years. Yes, she had faced failures in her life,was disheartened, and people had always underestimated her. After facing betrayal in her life,there was no one whom she wanted to trust.
                  She had made herself available to everyone, but in times of her emotional crisis, there was no one available for her. The girl who had been there for everyone, needed someone to be there for her too. She often disdained her own self. Neither was she uniquely talented, nor was severely good looking. She just existed, because she had to. There was nothing which made her life worth her life worth living.
                                         Music and notepad, were her only friends. Betrayal had taught her not to trust anyone blindly. Intimidated,that she might fall again, she stopped walking. Slowly and gradually, she saw people walk away from her life. The people, who meant so much to her once,were mere names on the contact list. She was losing her identity in the whole wide world.
                        She arose again, but this time  in a new her, a new self.She was no more the petulant, innocent or feline one,  but now a bolder one, a meaner one, a selfish one. As she was always prone to living a dual life, she did so again, and this time, she was the cruel one for the whole world.

                       

THE UNBROKEN BOND

Exhausted, from the tedious Chemistry practical, she waited anxiously inside the school premises, for her transport to arrive. From behind the long bars of the school gate, that separated the huge institution and the outside world, she spotted a scene, which stirred her emotions. A helpless looking, old skinny man was seated beside his young aged and energetic grandson. It gave her a certain sense of serenity. Others might have just overlooked the sight, but it appealed to her. It brought to her memories of her long dead grandfather.

                                         Busy with our mundane routine, we seldom have time to look back to our past life. Although, such happenings usually shape our personality, we often deny their existence in our daily life. The existence of grandparents in our life may not sound as interesting or appealing to us, but to her it meant a lot.

                                      A seven year old child’s brain might not hold many memories of her childhood. But all she could recall was the time spent with her grandfather.  He had always been a source of admiration for her. A tall statured army man, a disciplinarian and an always loving and caring attitude towards the family members, was enough, to mesmerize her.  Though a strict person by nature, he had a soft, very soft corner for her granddaughter. He had always been an intent listener to her stupid talks, always quenching the thirst of her curious mind.

                                                      She could recall the times, when he brought her back from school, always treating her with candies and her other favorites.  She loved sitting on his lap for hours to come, just to update him about the present day. Sitting on the dining table beside him was her favorite part of the day.  She was his princess, and she loved being so.

                                Unfortunately, all good things do come to an end so did her relationship with her grandfather end. Still fresh in her memory is that day, the day her grandfather left for his heavenly abode. It took her time to realize the fact that her grandfather was no more alive. On getting the sad news, the house was in a chaos, and in a state of total mess, she stood still. She didn’t weep, nor did she feel bad. But as soon as she saw her grandfather’s dead body in front of her eyes, it seemed as if all hell broke loose. The sight of her grandfather , laying still with ‘tulsi’ leaves on his eyes, seemed to move her. While her grandmother, beat her breast and others couldn’t stop bawling, she turned oblivious to everything. She had never expected to see him in such a condition. Tears welled up her eyes, and she couldn’t control herself. She simply couldn’t accept the fact that her grandfather would no longer be with her. That night she cried to bed, and dreamt of her grandfather, not just that night, but for the following month, she kept dreaming of him.

                                                          “Death is either of the two things. Either it is an annihilation, or the dead have no consciousness of anything, or as we are told, it is really a change; a migration of the soul from this place to another”, said the wise Socrates. To hold view with the second condition, she just wished, that in a parallel universe, her grandfather, also missed her as much as she did.

                                                             

THE STORY OF THE BROKEN HEART

  Standing on the small balcony of her house, on a rainy evening, a million memories flashed across her mind. A million memories of laughter, joy, sorrow, tears and separation. Thirteen years of school life had ‘they’ shared together. Thirteen years, this gave her crazy moments, innumerable memories, peals of laughter and also unstoppable tears. The more she thought about ‘him’, the more flooded her eyes.

She recalled the fun moments, he and she had shared as partners in class, laughing and teasing each other. Though a strong girl, she had a weakness. Her weakness was him. She couldn’t recall the exact moment when she started feeling for him; perhaps it was a long time ago. Slowly and gradually, she realizes her feelings for him. Even before she had realized, the news spread like a wildfire in the whole class. A wall of misunderstanding grew between them. The class laughed at her, mocked her, insulted and abused her, so did he. For the first time she realized, that even outer looks were necessary for a girl, for a boy to feel for a girl.

Misunderstandings grew, and so the boy and the girl stopped talking to each other. Now, the girl, spent every single wakeful moment of her life, thinking about him, brooding over the fact, that she had lost his precious friendship.

A year passed soon it was the last year of the school; she had the good fortune of becoming his partner yet again. They started talking, laughing, and sharing stupid jokes and thus they became friends again. The girl felt as if she had her whole world at her feet. She needed nothing more to stay happy, his friendship meant everything to her.

As ill luck would have it, a sudden awkwardness drifted them apart, and thus they stopped talking again. They were no more partners in class. The boy got annoyed at her presence and made rude comments at her. The girl had nothing to do except to shed tears. Her best friend made comments like, “Go get a life, girl.”

The girl only grew depressed and sobbed, whenever she was alone. That year passed. Even on the last day of the school she didn’t have the courage to speak to him. After the examinations, it was time for the boy to leave that city and get shifted to a new city ‘forever.’

The thought of never being able to see him again made her cry more and more. She thought about ‘them’ a lot, even though ‘them’ never existed. Sometimes, she spent her time, angrily questioning the Almighty, as to why had he given her such days. She spent her nights awake thinking only about him.

The class had arranged a farewell party in which she was also called upon to attend. She wanted to see him for the last time before he left, but an unexplained fear stopped her. Therefore she rejected the proposal. Finally at the day of the farewell party, he texted her long sorry note. She spoke to him again after a whole year. They spoke and cleared out their misunderstandings. Her heart felt light and burden free after a long time.

The farewell party meant so much to her. He welcomed her with a warm comforting smile. The party ended with a song sung by him, the song that her ears would hold for a long time to come. She realized that a huge gap had drawn them apart, and so she interacted with him, only on a formal level.

She had so much to tell to him. She wanted to let her heart out to him, wanted to tell him how much he meant to her. However, an unexplained fear of losing his friendship again stopped her. So she waved him an awkward goodbye for the last time, with a huge smile on her face, even though she cried for him at heart.

On realizing, that he had gone ‘forever’, she cried her heart out for him. It felt as if somebody had hit her hard. It felt as if she had lost a piece of her heart. It felt as if she had lost a precious thing of her life.

Now she only read and reread his messages, recalled the moments they had shared together and looked into the past photographs. She wondered why he meant so much to her, while she meant nothing to him. She wondered as to why, feelings always need to be labeled for the society. She knew the memories she had of would be enough to remember him, and that her feelings would last for a long time to come.

Only a ray of hope did she have, of meeting him somewhere in future. So strange a feeling is hope, that it gives a being a  true reason to live and so did it give her and she knew that the ray of hope was ‘more than enough’ for her.